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Under the Heavens: Part Four
By Mirrordance
The storm over, I walked her to her house.
We stood by her door again, and she hesitated.
"Want to come in for awhile?" she asked.
"No," I say.
She nodded, and was going to close the door on my face again. For some strange reason, the thought of that gave me a profound sadness that I could touch, couldn't understand. What was going on here?
Suddenly, she threw it open and gave me a kiss.
I hadn't expected that. I expected my return of her affection even less.
I pulled away, gasping. "Oh, God"
"I know, I know," she said anxiously, "I'm so sorry, I don't know what go into me..."
I don't know what got into me either.
What was that pick-up-line again? I come bearing a message. God said...
What just happened? What the hell happened?
Have I been too long without a woman that the...uh...technical first date got me feeling this way? Or was this just our shared, secret grief, embodied in the most wrong way?
I can see her own hesitations in her face, her glittering eyes.
"Maybe it's one of those things," she said quickly, "like the last affair before a woman gets married. Isn't there a syndrome for that?"
I don't know. Well that takes care of your delusion. What about me?
"Have you convinced yourself already?" I ask her.
"Not completely," she replied, and we kissed again.
It was one of those crazy kisses. I am completely aware of the cliche, 'your life flashes before your eyes,' but I felt it now. It was real. I saw bits and pieces of beauty and pain and laughter and anger and...it was a slideshow by a jittery hand. She pulled away, making me feel incomplete.
We just stared at each other for awhile, fellow-traitors.
I was thinking about what Ken had said in the Kritkier infirmary, about always getting betrayed. She must have been thinking about her yuppie boyfriend, and Ken too.
I nodded goodbye, and she closed the door.
I came home to an empty house.
Another note on the goddamn ref. I thought maybe they went fishing again, until I read it and just Froze.
I grabbed the phone and called a cab company.
His hurts got worse, so Omi and Yoji took him to the hospital.
I got to the waiting area and found Yoji sitting with his elbows on his knees, rubbing his eyes wearily.
"Is he dead?" I blurted out, thinking maybe he was crying and thinking about Yuriko and thinking about betrayal.
"Huh?" he said, lifting up his head. "Um. No"
I exhaled through my teeth in annoyance, heading for the room the nurse at the desk told me about. Omi was just leaving as I entered.
We exchanged nods in greeting; an assuring smile from him to me, which failed to meet his eyes. I stepped forward into the room to find Ken slumped in pillows again, awake but obviously tired.
"Hey," he...croaked. I couldn't have described that voice in any other way.
"You're fine?" I ask, quickly getting to the point.
"Yeah," he replied, "but those two morons outside got panicked, so here I am"
I nodded, walked to his bedside. He looked up at me with teasing eyes. Those hazel orbs shouldn't ever dim...
"How was your 'date?'" he asked mischievously.
I considered the question. How do I answer this honestly, and without holding back important information?
"If you ask her out again, she would still say yes," I guaranteed him. I knew this for a fact. Not only because I told her he was dying and she believed it (no matter what she said), but because...simply because he was him. Sick or not.
He grinned. "That's good. Got the feeling my time's running out"
I kept silent. What was I supposed to say to that? Nothing.
"What do the doctors say?" I ask him.
He sighs. "I could get out of here anytime. What else could they do? The painkillers I take here, I can easily take at home. As I said, the pain got a bit bad and the two just panicked"
Silence, for a few moments. It seemed he was thinking about telling me something that was of great importance to him.
"Ran?" he asked, "If...If I get an attack...of any kind. Would you...would you do me this one thing?"
"What thing?" I asked tightly.
"You have to agree before I tell you what it is," he said quickly.
"I don't do that"
He stared at me for awhile, then nodded. "If something like this happens again, do me a favor. Just...just let me be"
"Let you--" I sputtered. Let him die, is that what he means? Just let him die?!
"No," I say.
"It's no good anyway," he pleaded, "to take me here or anywhere else. If I have to go, I have to go. I've fought this thing too long already"
"No," I say again, sounding a little too desperate for my taste.
"I don't want to have to die here," he said softly, motioning for the sickeningly sparse room, "like this. I don't want to. Please? Do me that one thing?"
"What..." I cleared my throat, "What did Yoji and Omi have to say?"
"I never told them," he answered.
This made me mad, made me lose that slim control that I have left olf questions that I've had in my mind.
"Why me?" I snapped, started pacing the room restlessly. "Why me? Is it because you think I'll do what you want? Is it because you think I care less for you than they do?"
"Goddamnit, Ran!" he exclaimed, "You still think we think of you that way?"
I paused from my pacing and faced him slowly.
"Why then?"
"I could believe," he replied, "Yoji and Omi would defy me easily to do what they think is right. I could trust you to understand what I want"
Did I? Understand what he was asking?
"Sometimes," I tell him, "justice is best served by knowing when to fold your hands. Is that what this is about?"
He chuckled. "I don't know what that means, Ran. But I have heard something like there are times when you measure strength by holding on. There are other times you measure strength..."
"...by letting go" I finish for him.
I looked away, and watched him from the corner of my eye.
Ken, I wanted to say, the big trick there is figuring out when those times are. I'm not that smart and...
"I'm not that strong," I tell him.
But he only closed his eyes, looking serene. As if he was certain I would do as he had asked, even if I myself am not.
We went back home to Manx's place the next day.
Ken was fine again, and made a phone call to Yuriko, asking if she would go out with him again. I crossed my fingers; not for her to say yes, as I was already sure of that part. But for him not to get sick, at least until they've spoken once again.
Yoji drove him to that same coffee shop. I decided not to come; it would have been very, very strange.
I fell into a dreamless sleep early in the night.
Ken was still out, which meant that lunch might have extended over to dinner. He'd win her back.
After all the nights I've been dreaming about mazes and missing roses, the swirling blackness felt like limbo.
It made me cold, lost.
I was grateful when I opened my eyes. It was dark out, and I thought maybe it was still nighttime, until I found the sun slowly creeping to a rise in the horizon.
I stepped out of bed. I think I maybe wanted to catch the sunrise outside.
I slipped on some decent clothes and jogged towards the forest, and broke past the trees into the small, rickety dock on one side of the sparkling lake.
Ken was there, sitting on the dock with a fishing pole, his bare feet dangling on the water. I wondered what kind of thoughts he allowed himself, at this stage in his life...or this stage in his death, whichever kind of person you are and how you would like to look at it.
I stepped towards him, making creaky noises. He didn't bother to look up.
"Hey, Ran" he greeted brightly. "Nice morning"
The sunrise was spectacularly slow, making a hazy purple-orange glow, with stray, curly strands of gold hiding beneath clouds, making the lake sparkle.
"How did it go?" I ask.
He grinned. "Well...it wasn't like it used to be. But she'll always be that one girl I really loved"
"What happened?" I asked him.
"We ate and laughed and talked," he answered with a smile on his face. It was a genuinely happy face. "And talked and talked and talked. I didn't win her back, but I do have a new friend. I think I can live with that...or die with that if we're being politically correct"
He looked at me jauntily, "Letting go, right?"
I removed my shoes and sat beside him, letting my feet into the cold water.
"I guess she just got over me and fell in love with somebody else," he said wistfully. "I'm not all that sorry"
I wanted to tell him about that kiss. I really did.
But I bit my tongue. Held it back.
'I always get betrayed,' he said.
"Well..." he said, "I feel fullfilled. I've done that One Last Great Impulsive Thing. And I'm still alive. How about that?"
He looked towards the lake. The sun was rising and rising.
"I think the rest of my life is going to go by real fast, now" he said, sounding delighted about it.
The bright light fell on his face, looking just right with his blinding smile.
This is what peace must look like.
He lived for another week. It was one of those days that you just forget he was ever ill at all. I woke up early again and found him by the dock. Fishing, with his feet dangling on the water. It could have been the exact same day that I had spoken with him days before.
But this time, Yoji was there, suddenly walking beside me. Yawning and complaining. He forgot his shades in the house, and Omi (carrying a pail and a can of worms) wouldn't let him go back for them, knowing full-well he intended to lie in the sofa and NOT get up until noon.
"Yeah, Yoj!" exclaimed Ken, "go see a sunrise for the first time in your life"
"Very funny, Hidaka"
"He has seen the sun rise before," argued Omi, "he gets home around that time once in awhile, remember?"
They laughed about it. Yoji wanted to, I could tell. But he wasn't going to give them the satisfaction.
Things happened so fast. One moment he was laughing, the next gasping and trying to breathe.
"Ken!" someone yelled. Was that me? I can't recall.
He just fell to his side, his face contorted in pain, his mouth making desperate gasps that were unsuccessful.
Yoji tried to pick him up; carry him past the forest and into the car, no doubt. I remained where I was, maybe paralyzed by my shock, maybe paralyzed by Ken's request.
Ken struggled against him.
"Help me out!" Yoji cried desperately, getting a solid grip.
"Put him down," I tell Yoji quietly.
"What?" he asked me dubiously.
"Just...Just..." what where Ken's own words? "Let him be."
"No!" Yoji yelled, then looked down at the man he was trying to help.
Ken's eyes pleaded. "Down," he said with a gasp.
Omi stood frozen, looking young and terrified.
With devastated eyes, Yoji did as he was told, and fell to his knees by Ken, who was by then closing his eyes in resignation, just letting the pain come and...bear him away. But even as his soul gave in at last, his ever-traitorous body convulsed and struggled. His hands reflexively clawed at whatever it could touch as he fought for air.
The sight of it humbled me. This is where we all go, at the end.
The frantic hands were caught by Yoji's own. He placed them together, four hands as if in prayer. He leaned his head against them, and I could see the tears in his shaking shoulders, and see the prayers in his moving mouth, though I heard none.
I've never seen Yoji pray. I never thought I'd see Yoji pray like this, desperate and hungry and infinitely sad. I doubted anyone could pray this way.
He did that until the body stilled.
I looked at the face, devoid of expression now. I knew by that that he was no longer in there. The face was always so full of character; stubborness, pain, joy, madness even at times. But it was always so expressive. Not like now. Ken's not in there anymore.
I looked away, towards the lake and the sunrise.
I might have expected the world to stop, once this moment arrived.
The birds sang, the water moved and glistened. There was a slight wind, a nice breeze carrying the sound of rustling leaves.
Though I found it much more bitter and painful, people were right in saying that life does go on.
I was the one who came over her house and told her he was gone.
She didn't cry. I didn't.
But the air was as heavy with that as it was by so many unspoken things. I could hardly breathe in here.
We sat across from each other in her living room. Quiet, and deathly still.
I had another dream.
I may have dreamed about Ken, or he may have haunted me. Either way, I knew I was asleep, but I was also in another place.
I was walking in the forest, then parted a bunch of branches which opened to the clearing by the lake. Ken was sitting at the dock, fishing, with feet on the water.
It looked just like the days before, except...except this time, somehow, I was absolutely sure the sun was setting, not rising.
I felt this part of my life was going to end, soon.
"Hey Ran," he greeted brightly. The next line was supposed to be "Nice morning," but he said, "Nice evening," instead.
"What are we doing here?" I ask him.
"The last time we were here," he said, "you wanted to tell me something"
"You obviously don't need me to tell you that now," I pointed out.
"Maybe you're the one who needs to hear something from me," he said.
I took a deep breath. "Maybe"
"What is it?" he asked wearily, "permission? You've won her over. I hardly think you need it. Not as if it was ever mine to give at all"
"I don't need your permission," I told him.
"What's stopping you then?" he asked me.
"I want it," I say.
He laughs.
I remove my shoes and sit beside him on the dook, letting my feet into the cold water. I knew already that he would let me go after Yuriko.
"Will I get her to love me instead of that yuppie?" I ask him.
"No matter what happens," he said, ignoring my question, "Be happy you were ever here. I know I am. With you guys, I mean. Even with the things we did. With her too, even if I didn't get her back. I'm happy"
Somehow, I'm happy I'm here too.
I woke up and realized today was the day she was getting married.
It might have been Ken's doing. I didn't know, didn't care.
I put on some decent clothes, grabbed MY WALLET and the car keys and just went off, flying to her house.
Empty.
Went off to some church some angel whispered into my ear.
There was a ceremony going on.
I barged into the church, pushing the main doors wide open, making light burst inside. People turned to face me, standing in the aisle, but I waited only for one.
She turned slowly, her arms limp on her side, the bouquet hanging there uselessly.
She turned tearful eyes my way.
And I held that moment to my heart.
Another dream.
We went back to Tokyo from Australia, after my church-incident.
I was tired. From the trip, from...from most everything. Ken's funeral was at night; we finally laid him to rest in his old grave, the one his family haf set up for him years ago when he thought he was already dead from a warehouse fire.
I slept at once when we got home.
The dream got me back to the labyrinthine flower shop. I was still looking for the bouquet Ken had given me. It felt like such a long time ago, yet here I was again. Still lost, still looking.
But this time, I beat the dream.
I opened one door and finally got to my apartment.
I stalked straight for the bouquet of roses and...and...found them rotting.
I took too long.
But it didn't matter.
I took some choice petals out, pressing them between the pages of a book. One day I would forget I ever placed them there. But everytime I need them, they would always be around.
The rest I threw away.
Author's Notes:
December 9, 2000
Pretty diabolical, isn't it?
1. Okay. First and foremost, the title came from my favorite Biblical passage: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 Man Cannot Hit on the Right Time To Act 1 There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens 2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. 3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build. 4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. 5 A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces. 6 A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away. 7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak. 8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. As used in my story, "Under the Heavens" refers to the things that go on while a person is living.
2. If you've not heard of the good samaritan, it's a metaphor used to refer to a helpful person who aids a stranger when no one else would.
3. "Sometimes, justice is best served..." is a quote from a novel by Barabara Hambly.
4. I've never written a P.O.V. from Ran before, so if he or anyone else was out of character, sorry.
5. I'm sure a lot of parts are confusing. Just be merciful, please? I had this idea in my head and couldn't let it go, so I decided to rush it for my peace of mind. This thing was finished in four days. I'm like that with angst-fics. My action/adventure fics take years! (Dead Waters is still stagnant)
6. So what is it with death-fics? Well, I think a lot of White Cross members drag their feet, you know? About words, emotions. The element of death is like a ticking time-bomb. Do what you can now, while you can. It rushes them along. Makes life more precious, all that stuff.
7. About the dreams...this was inspired by one. So anyway, the fic began with a dream, it ended with a dream. The flowers were lessons, I think. You tuck some away and forgot you ever placed them there, but when you need them you know where to look somehow.
8. The Ran/Yuriko thing was WEIRD. But I wanted to focus more on Ran and Ken's relationship as friends. So that's why it had to be her. The other plot was that it was Ran who was dying and it was Ken who was going to be with Sakura. But I changed my mind. FRom there I decided it would be Yoji's P.O.V. story, with Ken as the dying guy. Then it just mutated again. Damn it, I'm not making any sense!
9. Sorry for the madness! Sorry, sorry, sorry! But c&c's would be appreciated. Um...hey! Whadya think happened at the church? I let it hang there because I didn't know what to do with it. Um...sorry again!