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Remember
By Trinity
Her slight form lay motionlessly on the bed, clad only in a flimsy cotton robe. It looked pitifully small lying as it did in the middle of the wide hospital bed. The monotonous beeping of the machine connected to her as well as the steady rising and falling of her chest were the only signs that her body was still alive and breathing. Her jet-black hair carefully braided by loving hands lay on the pillow upon which her head rested. Her sparkling azure eyes were closed - perhaps forever - while their long dark lashes cast shadows on her pale face.
The fading daylight slipped through the window's blinds, the only light in the dim room. Here time seemed to stand still. Here he was happy...well, not really. He was in her presence, but her being was where even he couldn't reach her. Only her mute body lay here to keep him company, a silent testimony of his failure to protect those he loved.
He wanted her back. To watch her eyes sparkle again. To hear her soft laughter. To see her soft, rosebud pink lips part into a shy half-smile as a rosy blush stained her porcelain cheeks. To kiss her. To hold her. ...To love her.
He let out a soft sigh, disrupting the sweet silence of the room. Rising from his seat, he walked across the room to her bed. As he pushed back a stray lock of her dark hair, he reached into her mind, hoping against hope for a glimmer of a thought.
Nothing.
*Goodbye, beloved. Till next time.*
Then, he silently left the room, the door swinging shut behind him.
He made his way through the noisy crowd at the hospital lobby, smirking slightly at how they all blissfully ignored the 'Silence Please' signs. People were so self-absorbed, thinking constantly of themselves alone. It showed in the thoughts that came to him unbidden. Although he usually enjoyed going through people's minds and messing with their heads, he abstained from it now. He absently pushed their troublesome thoughts away, shutting everything out except his own dark musings.
Then, he sensed the presence of someone who would take serious offense from his presence. Deciding to avoid an unpleasant confrontation, he slipped behind a tall potted plant as the other redhead passed by. He saw the flowers that the other held in his hand. They were her favorite. It was this person's hands that braided her hair. He was her brother and she the only family he had left. The first man wondered wistfully what it would be like to have a family...perhaps with her if she'd been allowed a normal existence.
When the other had disappeared behind the closing elevator doors, he left to join the crowd of rushing people outside.
"Where were you?" The annoyed man in a suit demanded as soon as he entered. "I couldn't reach you on your cellphone. You turned it off again, didn't you?"
He ignored the man as he took a cold beer from the fridge. Allowing the froth to settle down, he took a cautious sip and savored the taste in his dry mouth.
"Aren't you going to answer me?"
"You seem to have everything figured out," he finally replied.
The other frowned, clearly exasperated with him.
"Where do you go every Sunday, anyway?"
He did not answer except to leave the room. Ignoring the other's muttered curses, he walked down the hall to lock himself in his own room. There, he took a seat in front of the floor-length window, but his mind was not on the stunning view of the city that lay before him. He put his beer on the nearby table and got the locked metal box on top of it. He gently stroked the dial of the lock, turning it until his sharp hearing caught the click he'd been waiting for. Having set aside the lock, he opened the box and took out a thick leather bound book. Its cover was worn, its pages obviously thumbed through constantly.
His journal. The story of his life.
He sneered at the thought, flipping carelessly through the first few pages. Then, he stopped and reverently took out a photo of a young girl that was slipped in between the pages. The look on his face softened slightly at the sight of her. Head tossed back and hair flowing freely. Eyes sparkling and lips laughing. Carefree and happy as she deserved to be. As he looked at the face that haunted his sleep and thoughts, he remembered...
****
He stormed out of the penthouse and into the streets after another loud argument with his insufferable leader. He was sick and tired of his life. It hadn't been easy on the streets and in the ghettos of Berlin, but it wasn't any easier here. His bed might be softer and his food better, but being forced to act as someone else's subordinate rankled him and his defiant nature.
Eyes flashing menancingly and mouth in a grim thin line, he made his way through the crowd that parted before him like the Red Sea. He looked like some fierce barbaric god out for vengeance. With his speed and the clear path, he soon found himself at the city outskirts near the sea. An idea began to grow in his head and he went on to trek up the steep cliff overlooking the dark blue waters. Past the point where he was aware of his surroundings, he walked briskly to the edge of the cliff that had no gaurd rail to prevent any unfortunate accidents.
Just as he was thinking of stepping off and ending his miserable life on the rocks below, a soft voice spoke from behind. He whirled around in surprise to see a young girl in her late teens sitting primly on the grass. Her blue hat was perched jauntily on her head and a sketchbook lay on her lap. She stared up at him curiously with wide blue eyes that surprisingly showed no fear of him.
"Hello," she repeated in her soft, melodious voice. The shy smile on her lips did not falter when he did not respond.
He finally plopped down on the ground next to her and began to tear at the green blades of grass on the ground. Looking sullenly at the clear blue sky above them, he pointedly ignored the girl. She didn't seem to take offense though as she continued to sketch in her book. After a few moments of companionable silence, she unexpectedly turned to speak to him.
"What do you think?"
He turned to look at the picture she held out for him to see. It was an excellent likeness of him lounging on the grass with the sea and sky behind him.
"It's alright...for an amateur."
"Thank you."
He looked at her curiously. He hadn't meant his words to be taken as a compliment - quite the opposite actually. Most people would have already been pushed away by his abrasive nature, but apparently this girl wasn't most people. That made him take the time to really look at her. He found himself envying the youth and innocence he found. He finally turned away just as her cheeks began to flush pink. It was as if he'd stared too long at the sun. This little naive girl puzzled him. Was it possible that in all her innocence she didn't see him for what he was? Or did she see it but still accept him?
Her soft voice broke into his thoughts once more and he looked to find her studying him.
"What's your name?"
"Schuldrich."
"That's a strange name."
"I'm a strange person."
He felt a strange thrill go through him when she laughed at his words. For a brief moment, he hesitated, reluctant to taint her with his soiled being. But, finally he gave in and asked for the angel's name.
"What's your name?"
"Aya."
"A beautiful name for a beautiful girl."
"I'm sure you say that to all the girls you meet."
"No, I don't," he said seriously.
He didn't exactly meet a lot of girls in his line of work. What girl or woman would want to know a brash redheaded gajin?
"Would you like to have this?" She offered, tearing out the drawing and handing it to him with the smile of a Boticelli angel.
"Sure."
Well, evidently this girl did.
Months later, he watched her from behind a tree as she sat complacently on a park bench. Intent on her book, she didn't even notice as he came up to her. But, she did notice when he swiped her book and held it high above her reach.
Half-laughing, half-pleading, she reached for it while he laughed and teased her. Finally, she pushed him to the ground and took the book as he let it go. She laughed at his ungraceful sprawl and the look of shock and dismay on his face. She helped him up, letting him pull her unnecessarily close to him. So close that she could smell the scent of his aftershave. But, it wasn't that which suddenly made her lightheaded and sent her pulse racing.
He cupped her soft, flushed cheek with his callused hand and lightly kissed her lips, making her blush even more. She let out a happy sigh and lay her head on his shoulder, holding him tight. He buried his face in her dark hair, intoxicated by her scent.
****
His head snapped towards the door. Someone was knocking loudly on the other side. Had been for some minutes now.
"What?"
"It's dinnertime," a low voice said from the hall.
"I'll be out in a second."
Rising slowly from his chair, he let his fingers linger a second longer on the photo to trace the lines of her laughing face. Then, he carefully slipped it back into his journal and locked both of them up in the box. He left his dark room and walked into the brightly-lit kitchen, a false smile pasted on his face.
****
He shifted uneasily next to his partner, trying to look impatient instead of anxious. He was afraid. Not for himself, but for her. He and his partner stood across the street from her house. He knew that she was out with her brother at a festival, but still...something bad was going to happen. What was his boss doing so long in her house? The man had instructed them to keep watch there while he and some of his toughs went into the house.
Finally, unable to control his anxiety, he scanned the minds inside the house. He sensed his boss' cold satisfaction, the toughs' callous indifference, and...nothing. Her parents... His fear grew.
*He knows about us... And he's going to kill her to punish me...to prove that love makes you weak.*
Panicked, he scanned his boss' mind once more.
*No.* He thought in relief. *He doesn't know. She's safe. He's only concerned about her parents. Oh, beloved, I'm so sorry...*
He watched his boss come out. He stopped walking when he saw his boss shake his head. They were to stay where they were. He turned away from his boss who was already making his way towards their car. He looked back at the house to see the toughs leave and mingle with the people off on their lunch break. Then, he saw her. Laughing at something her brother had said, she walked hand in hand with him. They entered the house and shut the front door behind them.
Suddenly, the door opened again. She ran out with her brother behind her. Without warning, the house burst into flames behind them. Her brother was thrown forward by the explosion and lay on the ground like a discarded marionette.
She'd kept on running then turned back when she'd realized that her brother was not behind her. Then, it happened. It went by so quickly that he could do nothing, but stand and watch.
As she stood in the middle of the road, a car rushed towards her, throwing her into the air. He heard her scream as the car hit her and the scream's abrupt end as she landed on the hard asphalt with a sickening thud. The car - their car - screeched to a halt in front of them. His partner shoved him into the car and came in after him, slamming the door shut as the car rushed forward once more. The driver, his boss, looked at the rearview mirror to see if there was anyone following them. Then, it sank into his numb mind.
*She's dead.*
His boss had killed her right in front of him. And why? Because she was in his way. He choked back a sob, forcing himself not to cry. There would be time for tears later. Now, he had to think of how he'd kill his boss and avenge her death. His boss would pay for what he'd done. For what he'd taken from him.
Her scream. He could still hear it his mind. And the bond. The bond they'd shared was gone. It was like the piece of him that belonged to her and her alone had been brutally torn away. Where once there was her gentle presence there was a void. And her screaming. In his mind, it never ended.
****
He woke up with a start in his bed, entangled in twisted bedsheets damp with sweat. Her scream still echoed in his mind. He buried his head in his hands and tried to compose himself. Getting out of bed, he opened the window and let in the cold night air in an attempt to clear his head. He took a deep breath, causing his lungs to burn at the painful rush of cold air.
After a moment, he slammed the window shut and went back to his bed. But, he couldn't go back to sleep. Instead, his mind insisted on replaying the day she went into a coma instead of dying.
*Yes, she's alive.* He thought bitterly. *But, where she is even I can't reach her. She didn't deserve this kind of life. Not her.*
What had gone by so quickly that day, now came to him in slow motion. Each moment remembered in startlingly vivid detail, making it even more painful for him.
The look of fear on her face as she looked back. Fear for her brother.
*Damn you.* He cursed her brother. *If it hadn't been for you, she might be living a life instead of lying in a coma.*
He hated her brother. He clung to this hate because deep inside he blamed himself for what had happened to her. The taunting voice in the back of his mind cruelly whispered that he could have saved her. He fuelled this hate with the knowledge that it was her brother and not him who finally avenged her by killing his boss. Deep inside, he was filled with anguish and self-hate because he had been unable to save or avenge her. His failures ate at him inside, killing him slowly.
He jerked out of his trance at the soft moan from her bed. He rushed to her side to hear her murmur a name. Her brother's name. His heart fell. To her, her brother would always come first. What was he to her, but the love of an innocent and trusting girl who no longer existed. She was replaced by the young woman who lay here. A woman who surely couldn't love a man who had failed her too many times.
She opened her eyes for a moment. He looked into their azure depths before she fell into a sound sleep. He lightly kissed her on the forehead not wanting to wake her, then left looking back only once.
*Goodbye, beloved. Till...*
No, there wouldn't be a next time. He would never see her again. He was part of her past, and the past had no place in the future that lay ahead of her.
*And even if I was selfish enough to still see you, it would have to end.* He thought darkly as he walked down the hall. *Your brother would make sure of that.*
He stood at the cliff overlooking the sea. It raged today, beating relentlessly at the jagged rocks below. But, the approaching storm was nothing compared to the turmoil within him.
He knew that she'd already been released from the hospital. Needing to see her one last time, he'd let himself watch her from across the flower shop where her brother worked. She'd been there talking happily with her brother and showing no sign of missing him. Perhaps she'd forgotten him. It hurt him to think that she had, but perhaps it was better that way.
He slowly walked to the edge of the cliff, stopping at the very end to look down at the sharp rocks and crashing waves. It was on this spot on this same day years back that he had first met her. He'd come to this very spot with the same intent he had now. However, her presence had stopped him then and he'd never thought of it again after he met her - until today. He started to take the last step, the sudden rain mingling with the salty tears that ran down his face.
"Shuldrich!"
He stopped not wanting to believe then slowly turned around.
It was her.
Her braided hair whipped wildly in the strong wind, while her hand kept in place the same blue hat she'd always worn years before. She'd worn it for him because he'd said that it brought out the color of her eyes. Eyes that now showed innocence lost. Eyes filled with worry and love. Not for her brother, but for him.
He slowly went towards her with the uncertain swagger of a drunken man. He stopped in front of her, lightly touching her pale face with his trembling hand. She was there. She was really there. She placed her hand over his.
"You remembered," he said in a broken voice.
"How could I forget? This is where you first said you love me," she said smiling sadly. She continued after a short pause. "I know you where there when I first woke up, but after that when you never came back..."
Despite the rain, he saw the tears that began to fall on her cheeks. He gently wiped them away, upset that he had hurt her enough to make her cry.
"I've changed...and I've failed you." He said drawing back and looking away in shame. He felt her soft hand at his cheek, gently turning his face to look at her.
"You didn't fail me. You failed yourself."
"I still changed."
"I know," she said softly. "My brother told me."
"Then, you know what I am."
"I know who you are. You're the man I love."