On the Inside

By Shiraishi Mayumi

I suppose I should apologize to him.

I always say more than I should; more than's needed. Or I don't say anything at all, which is worse than anything else. I usually do that, though. Just keep quiet. I never say what's really bothering me. What concern of theirs is it, anyway? It's my buisness. My life, not his.

Then why do I feel so bad? Every time I don't tell him something, I feel guilty. It's not like he's my mother; I shouldn't have to tell him everything. But for some reason, I want to.

There are some things you just can't tell anyone. Some things that are so deeply personal that you can't tell them, no matter how much you want to.

I do want to tell him. But I can't. I... I don't know how. I don't know how to bring it up without sounding awkward. And even if the topic did somehow come up, I couldn't say it. It's too wierd. Too.... different.

I've never opened up to anyone before. Never. I have my own personal secrets, my own dark ambitions that I don't want anyone to know about.

But I wish I could be like everyone else, sometimes.

Yohji, with his ability to blow everything off with a shrug and a grin. The ability to brush everything aside, pain and all, to get the job done. The ability to move on through life without a shred of guilt, no matter what he has to do to get the job done.

Or Ken, who can handle anything. He lives such a carefree life... I wish I had his life. Surrounded all the time by kids, friends... people that care for him. I'm not used to that.

Then there's Omi. The infamous happy boy, who always smiles. The one who's there to cheer you up when you're depressed or upset. The one who tells me all the time I can talk to, but can never bring myself to talk to.

If I was anyone else, I'd be able to tell people when I'm angry. Sad. Happy. Or any other normal, human emotion. I can't even let someone hug me, even lean on me without me feeling extremely uncomfortable about it. Close contact, both emotional and physical, scare me.

I guess that's because I'm afraid of getting close to anyone. Everyone I've gotten close to has either left or hurt me. I don't want it to happen again. And the best way to do that is to shut myself off from everything. If I shut it all out, then it can't hurt me.

But sometimes I wonder about what I'm missing. I'll watch Yohji teasing Omi, and Ken trying to teach Yohji and Omi how to play soccer. The kids who turn to Ken, all shining and happy faces, grinning and begging for him to play with them. Omi's cheerful hello to everyone who walks in the shop. And I wonder... why can't I do that, too?

Why can't I be normal?

Even still, I should apologize to him. He tries so very hard. He's always telling me I need to talk more about myself, and encourages me to tell him whatever's bothering me. He's the only one that really notices when I'm upset, even over the tiniest thing. Of course, I just shrug and tell him to leave me alone, it's none of his buisness, or that it's nothing and not to worry about it. But then he frowns at me and indignantly demands that I tell him everything that's wrong, to the letter.

I'm tempted to laugh then. But of course, I don't. I can't. That would be showing emotion, and I can't do that.

Ah, well. I suppose it doesn't matter. I'm a very firm believer in the fact that things will sort themselves out. But not in fate. I don't believe in fate. I believe I can shape my own future; make it whatever I want it to be. But I do think it'll sort out in the end, one way or another. It has to.

I'd go insane if it didn't.

Half the time that's the only thing that drives me forward. Keeps me going. The knowledge that one day, somehow, it'll all end.

I owe him an apology. I really do. Maybe I'll write him a note. That'll probably be easier than talking to him. I'd just screw things up and make matters worse if I had to explain it to him verbally. It really is all my fault, after all. It's not his fault I'm as screwed up as I am.

So, I'm sorry... Omi. So very, very sorry... for being me.