Locked Doors

By Shiraishi Mayumi

I never screw up.

I am the perfect embodiment of everything a mature adult is supposed to be. I’m calm, serious, calculating and I never let my mistakes leak. At least, not openly.

When I do screw up, I never tell anyone. We couldn’t have that. It would ruin my perfect image. I’m even perfect when I kill. They’ve never escaped me. Not a single one.

"Heartless bastard." That’s what they call me. And I don’t even care. You know why? Because they’re right. I never cared about anything, except whatever my current goal had been. One track mind; that’s me. But I didn’t care. After all, I’m the heartless bastard.

Sure, my associates had been trying to get me to open up for years. But you know what? Screw them. They have no clue what goes on inside me. They could never understand it. And besides, if I told them, there would be no taking it back. It’d be out in the open to haunt me forever. Once again, tarnishing my perfect image.

Yohji tried real hard, but only for a summer or so. After that he just sort of shrugged it off and left me alone. Not that I blame him. On the contrary; I commend him for trying in the first place. We formed some sort of vague bond; more like a mutual understanding. We both understand that we don’t want to tell the other who we really are. Everyone has secrets.

Ken’s sort of placid when it comes to the whole issue. He’ll listen to whatever anyone has to tell him, and occasionally offer tentative advice, but that’s about it. He’s very strongly opinionated, but on the other hand very open to the views of other people. I don’t know how he does that.

Omi tries the hardest. Yes, tries. He still is. He seems determined to find everything about me, to "discover" me, so to speak. It’s like my emotions and history are a big puzzle to him. A game.

I do have to admit, though. I’ve told Omi more than I’ve told anyone else. He’s also the only one I’d actually die for. I don’t know why, but I would. Even though he’s supposed to be my enemy, I would. It’s strange. I’ve never been able to say that about anyone before, except my sister. But that’s another story entirely.

The only problem with Omi is he’s so easily side-tracked. And he can never be serious. His continuous grin, constant laugh, everything about him is just very… well, him. And I don’t want to be the one to change that. He expects serious answers out of me, but doesn’t plan on being serious himself. Odd, don’t you think?

And he never talks about himself, either. I feel very uncomfortable telling him my deepest, darkest secrets without knowing some of his. Call me paranoid if you must. It’s not that I don’t trust the boy; it’s just my nature. I always have a back-up plan. If he ruins my life, I’ll ruin his.

But that’s not all there is to it. I actually want to know about him. I’ve actually become curious about his past. I want to know about him. Where he’s from, who his parents are, and why he doesn’t live with them anymore. I want to know how he was raised, and why he pretends to be so happy all the time.

Well, I can understand why he pretends to be happy. It’s how he deals with it. The killing, that is. See, I just shove it all back into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind and ignore it. Like everything else I don’t want to deal with. Sure, it’ll pop up once in awhile, but I usually manage to squish it back before anyone notices. Omi’s seen it a couple times, and maybe Yohji and Ken. But that’s it. A pretty good track record if you ask me.

He can’t do that, apparently. He can’t just ignore it and move on. He has to become an entirely different person. He’s Tsukiyono Omi by day, smiling, happy florist/student, who would listen to anyone about anything, and never harm a fly. At night he becomes Siberian. Just like his name, he transforms into a cold, heartless killer. Like the rest of us.

I feel sorry for him. I didn’t want him to lose his identity; who he is. The very persona that is Tsukiyono Omi died whenever he became a member of Weiß. I want to know that, too. Why did he sacrifice that part of him to kill? All four of us have our own reasons. I have mine, and I’m sure Ken and Yohji do as well. I’m just not as interested in theirs. Like I said, it’s bizarre.

I always glare at Omi, grumbling at him to leave me alone. To stop prying. To mind his own business. But you know what? I don’t want him to stop. It’s another one of my odd quirks. It’s almost comforting when he does. It’s like... almost like someone actually cares about my well being. I’m not used to that.

Whenever even the slightest thing is bothering me, he can tell. How does he do that? And then he confronts me about it, demanding that I cheer up.

That boy...

I shake my head. Oh well. It doesn’t matter, really. All I can do is move on with my life. Live it one step at a time. Who has time to worry about the future? And such trivial things as my emotional and mental stability. None of us are stable. So why does he worry about me so much?

I sigh.

But who knows? Maybe... just maybe, some day he’ll be successful. Maybe one day he’ll finally crack the code that is me.

Well, when he figures out how, remind him to tell me how he did it. But for now, I have a job to do.