To Be or Not to Be: Part One

By Saaye Kage no Ansatsusha

“Hey Nagi, do you happen to know any posh restaurants that are affordable,” a certain knife-licking, one-eyed, maniacal psychopath, strait-jacket-adoring Irish asked. “I see, so we are in the same problem Farfarello,” the raven-haired, baby-blue eyed, dolly-faced, mansion crashing Japanese replied as he surveyed his wallet, “I just can’t figure out where to bring my darling out tonight…” As the knife-licking, one-eyed, maniacal psychopath, strait-jacket-adoring Irish and the raven-haired, baby-blue eyed, dolly-faced, mansion crashing Japanese were tearing off their hair in frustration, a dignified business-man like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American walked into the room. At once, light bulbs appeared at the heads of both of them.

“My do you look so dashing today Crawford!” the raven-haired, baby-blue eyed, dolly-faced, mansion crashing Japanese gushed in admiration.

“Our great, almighty leader! Would you care for a cup of coffee?” the knife-licking, one-eyed, maniacal psychopath, strait-jacket-adoring Irish chorused, rushing to the dignified business-man like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American’s side.

“Cut the crap! What do both of you want?

“Well Crawford-sama, you see, it’s Valentine’s Day today…”

“And we would like to ask for a leave and some cash…”

Looking at the two in a bemused look, the dignified business-man like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American simply turned down their request. After all, today was just a normal day which required them to do their normal jobs. They had received a job to assassinate a certain businessman and certainly, under no circumstances would Crawford let two of his members sneak away for a dinner by the moonlight.

“Nagi, I would have expected this. But YOU?!?!?!”

“Hey! What do you mean by that?!?! After all, I AM a normal human,” the knife-licking, one-eyed, maniacal psychopath, strait-jacket-adoring Irish replied in an insulted tone, arms akimbo. “Besides, Sally-chan has showed me that there is more to life than just giving myself another wunderful scar. Oh Sally! She is the blade of my ginsu knife, the dried blood on my new scar, the missing eyeball in my left socket! How do I love her!”

The response to this loving, tender show of passion was immediately rewarded with looks of disgust from the other two. However, Farfarello’s onslaught of feelings was futile as he received yet another no.

“But Crawford…” the love-stricken Romeos protested in utmost sadness. Still, a firm, strict “no” was all they received.

In respond to this lack of mercy, the devils in the knife-licking, one-eyed, maniacal psychopath, strait-jacket-adoring Irish and the raven-haired, baby-blue eyed, dolly-faced, mansion crashing Japanese were unleashed. Love was overtaken by hate.

“Well Crawford, if you don’t let us go, we will announce to Weiß that you wear hello kitty un…” the raven-haired, baby-blue eyed, dolly-faced, mansion crashing Japanese retorted when suddenly his mouth was sealed by the hand of the dignified business-man like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American. “And if I’m not allowed to see my love, I will reveal to Schreient about your obsession for Sweet Valley High boo…” the knife-licking, one-eyed, maniacal psychopath, strait-jacket-adoring Irish was about to continue when he suffered a similar fate like the raven-haired, baby-blue eyed, dolly-faced, mansion crashing Japanese.

“What the hell do you both want?!?!?”

“A day off and about two hundred bucks each…” the pair glowered with greed.

“Why that’s blackmail! Besides, what about the mission?!?!?” the (now un-) dignified business-man like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American.

“Well, if not, I’m afraid that I may gain this sudden urge to talk more than I should…” the raven-haired, baby-blue eyed, dolly-faced, mansion crashing Japanese drawled on with a my-patience-is-running-out look imprinted on his face.

“And I may start conversing with Schreient more…” the knife-licking, one-eyed, maniacal psychopath, strait-jacket-adoring Irish lingered on with the you-had-better-give-up-or-else look carved in his face.

Frustrated, the (now un-) dignified business-man like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American reached deep into his wallet and threw out four hundred dollars onto the table. Smirking with gleeful looks, the knife-licking, one-eyed, maniacal psychopath, strait-jacket-adoring Irish and the raven-haired, baby-blue eyed, dolly-faced, mansion-crashing Japanese grabbed the notes and made a dash to the door. Well, the dignified businessman like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American realized that he had two members gone for tonight’s mission. Luckily, he still had someone else to rely on. Someone else who was (hopefully) much more responsible. At this very moment, a hunky carrot-top, smirking-all-the-time, Clairol’s-herbal-essence using German sauntered into the room.

“Good to see you Schuldig after two of our very own members just betrayed us to go out with their girlfriends just because today’s Valentine’s Day. Brainless twits. Anyway, I hope you remembered that we have a mission tonight!” the dignified business-man like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American said.

“Well….actually…I was planning to ask you for a day’s leave. I’m also kinda short of cash now so…” the hunky carrot-top, smirking-all-the-time, Clairol’s-herbal-essence using German answered in a oops-I-forgot-again tone.

“WHAT ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? AND WHO EXACTLY ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH ?!?!?!?!?!?! AREN”T YOU SINGLE ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

“Well, actually I’ve been seeing this certain girl for sometime behind… So can I please leave?”

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I here am TRYING to get to WORK while you people who call yourselves my TEAM MATES are THROWING all the WORK to ME just because of a couple of DATES?!?!?!?!?!? Anyway, NO means NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the very enraged, (now un-) dignified business-man like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American hollered at the hunky carrot-top, smirking-all-the-time, Clairol’s-herbal-essence using German.

“Well Crawford, if you don’t let me have a well-deserved break and cash, I will publicise to your fans that you hug a teletubbies stuffed-toy to bed every nig…” the hunky carrot-top, smirking-all-the-time, Clairol’s-herbal-essence using German was about to follow up when a hand covered his mouth.

“Is this blackmail Schuldig?” the infuriated (now un-) dignified business-man like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American stared angrily at the hunky carrot-top, smirking-all-the-time, Clairol’s-herbal-essence using German.

“Why yes Braddie… now hand over the dough!”

The dignified businessman like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American furiously threw two hundred bucks on the table. However, “too little” was the answer. At this point, the (now un-) dignified business-man like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American was trying to stop himself from ripping his fellow comrade (?) apart but nevertheless, he threw down another hundred dollar bill. At once, the hunky carrot-top, smirking-all-the-time, Clairol’s-herbal-essence using German grabbed the cash readily and ran out of the hotel suite.

Well, make that ONE member left for the mission tonight. The dignified businessman like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American was now smoking fumes and was in a very bad mood. No matter what, he could not see the mentality of his supposed teammates. How could they give up a mission and blackmail him just to serenade some girl with a banjo?!?!? At first, it was not so bad as only the raven-haired, baby-blue eyed, dolly-faced, mansion-crashing Japanese was involved with a female. Still, it was quite disastrous especially since the female happened to be from a rival group, Schreient, with the brain cells of a toddler. However, a collapsing mansion did the trick and he never messed around with the raven-haired, baby-blue eyed, dolly-faced, mansion-crashing Japanese’s love life again. Next on the list was the knife-licking, one-eyed, maniacal psychopath, strait-jacket-adoring Irish. Within a single day, he had succumbed to some girl from Rosen Kreuz just because she crooned out some “Anata no itami, atashi o kanjiteiru” crap to him. Seriously, he much preferred the knife-licking, one-eyed, maniacal psychopath, strait-jacket-adoring Irish as compared to the cheeseball lover. Yet, he gave up persuading him after a while. Certainly, he did not want to lose a valuable member and did not want to gain some extra scars. The hunky carrot-top, smirking-all-the-time, Clairol’s-herbal-essence using German was another story. For sometime, he had been making unknown frequent trips and this caught the dignified businessman like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American’s attention. However, he forced himself to believe that his teammate was not as shallow as the other two. After all, he had never caught him with a bunch of flowers or a kiss mark before. Never would he expect that his worst nightmare had been confirmed today.

Nagi and Tot, Farfarello and Sally, Schuldig and a mystery person (hopefully female). Which meant…which meant that Crawford was the only bachelor left in the team.

“ARRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” This can’t be true!!!!!!!!!” the dignified businessman like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American screamed in horror. No! He certainly could not afford to lose control. He had to stay calm, stay cool. Yeah…… After all, what was wrong with being single? Being single meant dates with tons of women, free from a jealous eye, not having to get into the good books of family members and other desirable luxuries. Yet, the dignified businessman like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American couldn’t quite remember the last time he had been surrounded by tons of sexy women. In fact, a certain aura of loneliness seemed to surround him. “Nah, being single is the best. After all, who has the most fun in this team?” the dignified businessman like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American said in a bid to comfort himself. However, it was quite apparent that it was always him who stayed back every weekend night and that the raven-haired, baby-blue eyed, dolly-faced, mansion-crashing Japanese and the knife-licking, one-eyed, maniacal psychopath, strait-jacket-adoring Irish who were the ones coming home at midnight (sometimes past), with a lipstick mark on the cheek. Sometimes, the knife-licking, one-eyed, maniacal psychopath, strait-jacket-adoring Irish didn’t even come back until the next day. As for the hunky carrot-top, smirking-all-the-time, Clairol’s-herbal-essence using German , he never failed to disappear almost anytime when he thought no one was watching. And on the days after his disappearance at night, the hunky carrot-top, smirking-all-the-time, Clairol’s-herbal-essence using German seemed to be in a better mood. In other words, his teammates had been profiteering while he was evidently on the losing end. Enough said.

“It makes no sense. Why the hell are those three blistering baboons having the time of their lives while I, the leader, am sitting here with no one around me? No! I cannot give up! I MUST enlighten them about the benefits of being single!” the dignified businessman like, calmly collected, serious-secretary looking, spectacled American proclaimed, stomping his way to the door. No matter what, he would stop those yarous from associating with certain someones forever!